“Now this is not the end.
It is not even the beginning of the end.
But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. ”
I recently had the following text-conversation with a client, Tracy (name and some details changed to maintain confidentiality); a single white female in her mid 40s whom I’ve known for a few years. She was married and divorced in her early 20s and has been single since. Our past sessions have been mostly centered on her relationship with her father, and a very difficult workplace situation.
Very recently, however, Tracy was triggered in a new way. After spending personal time with a male friend/coworker, something began to shift. She began having feelings of an intensity that she hasn’t had in a long time; feelings of worthlessness. Rather than push them down, and ignore them, she’s allowed these feelings to crack her heart open in a way she wasn’t expecting. This has not been easy for her.
———
Tracy: There’s stuff I need to talk about. I’ve been dancing around it all this time. Maybe I didn’t want to go there because it’s embarrassing. But here it is: I’ve been really questioning how honest I have REALLY been with myself. And the outcome is not good. I’m having to admit that I’ve been lying to myself for years.
Dave: None of us really are comfortable with the things about ourselves we still consider horrible or shameful. We don’t even like to look at them. But that’s actually fine. We look when we’re ready and not a moment before. The fact that you and I are having THIS conversation now tells me you are ready to look. And that’s awesome. So, tell me more.
Tracy: I now see that all these years I’ve been working on myself, I’ve been telling myself that I was coming to terms with being alone. But really, my real motive for working on my stuff was, I was trying to become loveable for someone. All the work on myself was all in the hopes of finding someone to love me. And now I see that all these years later… I am still unlovable. I really have not come to terms with being alone. Not at all. It was all a big fat lie.
Dave: It wasn’t a lie. For some reason it was right for you to not be with someone. And now you are beginning to be interested in the possibility of a relationship. This doesn’t mean you were lying to yourself before. It means that you are seeing yourself from a different perspective. You can see the relevance a partner could have in your life now.
Let’s say that I’ve lost a limb in a car crash…. and for years and years I don’t want a prosthetic… but after 15 years I realize I want one. It doesn’t make the 15 years a lie. It just means I’m ready for the next chapter in my life. That’s all.
Tracy: I’ve tried looking for a partner and love in the past and I gave up. There has to be a reason why I couldn’t even find a date.
Dave: Do you believe you’re worthy of a date? Worthy of having a partner?
Tracy: No I do not. And I know that doesn’t help.
Dave: So that’s a good insight. We create our own reality. If I believe that I don’t have anything worthwhile to say at parties, I won’t say anything – and prove myself correct. We are all simply proving our beliefs about ourselves correct, 100% of the time.
But I’ve seen people make big changes as soon as they start to challenge some old beliefs about themselves. You’ve done that in the past. So I’m confident that you can do it now.
Tracy: I think having a male friend has brought this to the surface. I like him but I also know he is not right for me to have a relationship with. But he is giving me a chance to practice to change the way I interact with men. He is probably one of the only guys I have ever met who isn’t afraid of talking about his feelings.
—- Next day —-
Dave: Hi Tracy. How are you doing today?
Tracy: I’m struggling. I hate this. It was easier to try and convince myself that I was happy being alone. I could avoid all these emotions. But now they are here and I need to deal with them. My head knows it’s good. But my heart is breaking.
Dave: You’re actually doing fine in the middle of this. Remember that the eye of the hurricane is always still and peaceful. Do your best not to let the thoughts and feelings convince you that there’s something wrong. There isn’t anything wrong. What is happening is that you’re waking up. And a part of waking up is for us to do our best not to argue with our feelings. They’re just feelings. They just need us to feel them. They don’t need us to make up a story about them.
Tracy: I keep trying to tell myself that. I think the tears are more fear than anything else. And anger for lying to myself, and to you – and to everyone. For the most part I have a good life. I’ve worked hard at cleaning it up. But there’s a huge piece missing. I also know that I have to just feel. But the numbness has returned. I feel like I have done something really bad. The feeling of being ashamed of myself is so prevalent.
Dave: Please trust me here. You haven’t done anything bad. It’s like a person who’s been in a relationship that isn’t great but not bad enough to leave. Then something happens and she says, “enough!”. It’s not that those years were a waste. They were necessary to get her to the tipping point.
Tracy: Everything is swirling around in my head. I can’t make sense of anything. I just want to run from this. I don’t want to go here. I really don’t.
Dave: There’s actually nothing to run from. There’s nothing wrong. You’re actually really, truly fine. What’s happening is that your mind is making a big deal out of all of this. You’re seeing something you don’t like and you want to change it. You’re feeling trapped by some old beliefs. It’s time to let some limiting beliefs go. You’ve outgrown them.
Tracy: I’m trying to see the beauty in it. It’s hard. It feels so awful. I think I might have to take some time off of work. I don’t think I will be in any shape to work. I’m afraid this won’t stop. This has always been the start of bed ridden depression for me. But I don’t feel depressed. I feel confused and scared. And angry.
Dave: You see how much progress you’ve made? You now know that this isn’t something to feel depressed about. Depression is when we prevent ourselves from feeling/speaking/doing. You’re not preventing yourself from anything.
Tracy: I’m still a mess.
Dave: All feelings are allowed. Let them be there. They’re doing the only thing they know how to do. Anger has only one tool: anger. Fear has only one tool: fear. You can let yourself feel it. Other feelings will come if we let them.
Tracy: I know this is good. It just feels really bad.
Dave: It’s ok to feel bad. It’s just a feeling and it won’t kill you. You’ve been through lots worse than this in the past and you’re still here. You’re kind of a tough cookie? Wouldn’t you say?
Tracy: I AM tough. But what is happening to me now makes me feel weak.
Dave: Real strength is not about feeling strong every single moment. Real strength is allowing ourselves to feel weak sometimes and knowing it’s making us stronger.
Tracy: I guess it’s my all-or-nothing thinking rearing its ugly head. I’m not so good with shades of gray. It all feels very foggy.
Dave: “all-or-nothing thinking” … its good to see that it’s not helping you.
Tracy: It’s my forte.
Dave: LOL … You’re realizing that your all-or-nothing thinking doesn’t allow you to expand into who you actually are. So you are going through the process of clearing out of old ways of thinking. That’s simply part of the process. I promise you that it won’t stay like this. You’re not a “foggy” person.
Tracy: I don’t know how to do this kind of thinking. It doesn’t come naturally. I’m trying to allow it but old habits die hard.
Dave: It’s only when we realize that our thinking has been faulty that we can find a new way to think! So what you are saying is really good news.
Tracy: But it’s fucking me up.
Dave: You don’t have to get it right, right now. It’s not fucking you up. It’s you “growing” out of an old skin.
Tracy My brain is a jumble.
Dave: I understand.
Tracy: I need to try and stop crying and relax my mind a bit Thank you for being there. And for throwing some reason into what seems like hell.
Dave: You are most welcome Tracy.
———–
This conversation is such a great example of the resistance we all have to letting go of old beliefs that don’t serve us anymore. In each of us is a resistance to seeing ourselves in a completely positive light. If we didn’t have this resistance, we’d be in love with ourselves and life all the time! That little voice that we try to avoid in so many different ways, sounds pretty similar for all of us: “You’re not good enough.” or “There’s something wrong with you”. And we believe these thoughts even though they’re so clearly inaccurate. Tracy is helping us see our own persistence to our beliefs and how unwilling we can be to see ourselves through a more positive lens.
In this conversation, Tracy is wonderfully courageous in allowing herself go through something that terrifies her. This is a testament to her strength, to face and question old beliefs. This strength takes courage and patience to develop, but we all have it. What she’s going through is rocking her world… but she knows the value of it and is doing her best to trust herself and have faith that she will come out on the other side…which she will. It might take a couple of days or months, but I can guarantee, that if she continues to challenge old stories about herself and plant seeds for new and better “stories” she will look back at this time not as a struggle, but a new beginning.
Thank you for your strength and your wisdom, Tracy. This is only the end of the beginning.