(Names and identifying info have been changed to protect anonymity and permission has been granted for publishing)
Earlier this year, when I learned that a Beatles cover band was going to be playing at the Jubilee Auditorium, I bought tickets for my wife and I. However, as the date got closer, we realized that she wouldn't be able to go. One Beatles ticket would be available.
I thought about people to bring…and almost immediately, Becky came to mind. She and I were neighbours for a few years and then she’d moved to a different part of town. We’d remained friends, but hadn’t seen each other for years. I thought this would be a fun way to reconnect.
I texted her and she accepted on the spot. We talked briefly on the phone to say “Hi”, and confirm plans and decided to meet earlier for dinner and properly catch up. She told me that she’d been through a lot and that we could talk about it over dinner. I didn’t want to ask too many questions on the phone but it sounded like she’d gone through a really challenging time.
Becky was at the restaurant when I arrived. She didn’t look one day older than when I’d seen her last. She greeted me so warmly, it was as if no time had elapsed since we saw each other. We dove into what had happened in our lives in the last few years.
Becky told me that her father had died 3 years ago. Her father had had a long bout with cancer and that he’d been unable to recognize Becky for quite some time at the end. She told me that she’d made peace with her father’s passage over the last few years of his life, but the end was painful and tragic for her nonetheless.
To my dismay, Becky then told me that, a year later, her mother was in a car accident and died several days afterward. She said this was incredibly difficult for her to deal with. She had always been close to her mother. Her mother had been her rock, her support system, her home. And now without both her parents Becky felt abandoned and alone.
Her mother dying so quickly after losing her father was something she wasn’t prepared for. She said that it was devastating for her and she turned toward her husband now, more than ever. But unfortunately, when she needed her husband the most, he wasn’t there for her.
While Becky and Justin were dating, they had both enjoyed socializing with friends and going to parties. Justin drank more than Becky and she just told herself that he was an extrovert and would settle down eventually. However, almost immediately after their marriage, Justin “leveled-up” his party lifestyle a few notches. His drinking and smoking pot increased significantly. He stayed out later and later with friends, frequently had parties at home despite Becky’s objections and began using cocaine. She also suspected that he was sleeping with some of his female friends.
They argued about Justin’s drug use, his drinking, his late nights, his increasing belligerence and his inability and/or lack of desire to be supportive to her. Becky said that when she got back from a long work conference one night, Justin didn’t pick her up at the airport because he was throwing a party at their house. After trying for years, she got him to go to couples counselling and it was there when she fully realized that partying was more important to Justin than she was. She finally moved out.
In 3 years, Becky had lost her father, her mother, her husband and her home. She’d gotten quite depressed and her anxiety had become unbearable. Despite her determination to work through the anguish and grief she was in, one day, during a work-shift, the flood gates opened. “I just couldn’t control my emotions anymore” she said. “It was as though I’d been in a deep sinkhole and I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Becky decided to take some time off and started anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication.
I had been listening intensely to her harrowing story.
“Why didn’t you call me?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”, she said. “I thought about it several times and even dialed your number twice. But I just couldn’t. Looking back, I know how ridiculous it was not to call… but I thought, ‘Nobody can bring my mom and dad back to life… or change my husband into a sober supportive person who cares about me.’ I wish I had reached out…but when I was in the middle of all of it, I just couldn’t.”
I understand. There are times in my life when I did the same. When I needed help the most, I wanted nothing more than to hide in the proverbial (and literal) basement, binging on Netflix and Häagan Dazs. But why? What is it about these difficult times, these dark nights of the soul, make seeking a candle to light the way seem so impossible?
There are 5 main reasons; 5 main beliefs that prevent us from reaching out for help when we could use it the most… and helpful ways to see them.
“This is too much! I feel too horrible to talk to anyone.” I get it. Sometimes it’s all just too much. We don’t like to feel some emotions intensely. Sometimes the only possible response to intense emotions is “running away” for a while. It can be helpful to give ourselves permission to not “fix” anything for a while… to give myself permission to be broken. And then… there’s a point when to continue feeling miserable is simply indulging our own self-pity. At some point, if we want to move forward, we must say, in one way or another, “Oh well!” and get up, dust ourselves off and get on with it. Even if we don’t feel like we can do much, just taking one small step is a great start.
“I should be able to get through this on my own.” It’s a common opinion in our culture. We feel ashamed of “feeling bad” and believe on some level that it’s our own fault. But where does it say that this is true? This old-fashioned idea that “we have to be tough” and that “asking for help implies weakness” is utterly unhelpful, painfully outdated and can get in the way of our growth. Humans are social creatures that have evolved over millions of years to be dependent on our clan. Evolution did not design us to go it alone. Some of the role-models in my life are the people that are able to admit feeling weak, scared and powerless at times in their lives. When I hear people talk like that, my heart sings.
“There’s nobody there for me.” Feeling intensely alone can be one of the most painful, excruciating experiences we can have. Thankfully, if you don’t know someone that you can trust to help, there is a large industry of skilled practitioners that are trained to just that. To feel heard, to feel cared for, to hear different perspectives and explore new solutions when we have reached rock bottom… is priceless.
“I don’t want to burden anyone else with my problems.” I understand the concern. No one wants to be a burden. But in my experience, there is a very big difference between what we think is a burden to others and what is actually too much for them. Most of the time, people in our lives are able to help way more than we realize. How would you feel to have a dear friend be in trouble and had never reached out to you? It might be upsetting, right? Allowing someone to help you, can be one of the most beautiful experiences of their life. Being there for another, is an honour, a privilege. Letting them in is giving them a gift.
“Talking about it won’t help.” It’s true that talking about it can’t bring Becky’s parents or relationship back, but talking can actually change how she feels about these events. I have learned that from watching clients talk about events in their lives. If we can see something that happened differently, the way that we feel about the event changes. Talking allows that to happen.
Becky told me that while she was not at 100% yet, she was much better and wasn’t in the sinkhole of depression and anxiety anymore. She had finally reached out to her Doctor, started taking some medication that had helped, and finally started seeing a therapist. She said that those things helped her start taking better care of herself, which allowed her to begin journaling, eating less junk food, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Becky said that she’s feeling more and more like her old happy self again.
At the end of our conversation, Becky promised that she would reach out to me, in the future, if she ever started feeling anxious or depressed again. I pointed out to her that as painful as it was, maybe it was important for her to go through. There is nothing like surviving a catastrophe that makes us stronger. And thank God she left Justin when she did, and not 10 years from now when it probably would have been more difficult. …with children to consider perhaps.
I hope Becky now knows how strong she actually is; how much strength she has developed during the last few years. I hope she knows that she has (and will certainly find more) people that do love her. And I hope that she knows that I’m one of them.
And I also hope that, as you read these words, you will commit to yourself, somewhere inside, that if you’re ever going through a painful time, you won’t let too much time pass before reaching out to your friend, your favourite Aunt or a professional. We are all here… for you.
I hope this helps.
In your corner, as always,
Dave